Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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