He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
