I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
So. Much. Porn.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
