Too much gin, very little bucket
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
