I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
