Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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