I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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