My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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