11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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