his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
