Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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