dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize