Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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