Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
