I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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