look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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