You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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