Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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