I think im going to throw up on grandma
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
