I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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