I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
