im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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