i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
