listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
