You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize