I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
