Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
