I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
