Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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