separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
