I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
