I can text with my tongue
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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