Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
