Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
