Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
