Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
