Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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