nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
