I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
