god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
