dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
