I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Randomize
