Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
3pm strippers are depressing
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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