The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
