not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
