I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize