we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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