Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
