rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Randomize
