i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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