the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
