it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
