apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Randomize