OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
