I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just found puke in my bra..
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
