What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
this just has baby written all over it
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
